So my friend and I had a conversation about the newest iPhone. This friend loves the newest of things. He readily informed me that his new iPhone was a piece of shitza compared to the new new iPhone (the Appleberryi90Ggasm). (By the way do I somehow qualify for the new new iPhone if I mention it in my world famous blog? Apple? Are you listening?
Back to the subject. So my friend was all like:
“Yeah, you don’t want that one because it’s only slightly new. You want the one that goes way faster and harder and prettier than ever”.
I got a bit snippy. I didn’t know why I felt perturbed at the time but in retrospect I have come to realise that it’s because I am the iPhone. It’s not called an “i”Phone for no reason. (Oh, yes, well done, very clever Mac marketing department bastard freaks!!!)
I AM the slightly good “new iPhone”. The one that was pretty at first, nice to touch (I moisturise…sometimes) and could play songs. But then someone waltzes in with a newer version and BAM, you’re yesterdays news sister (Cliché #3). I hated to think that men could possibly think like this about me and women in general. So out of intense insecurity and unnecessary neurosis I said:
“Hey! Hey… that new iPhone is awesome and the new new one is pretentious and wanky.”
A fine argument I think you’ll agree and considering they look exactly the same I think you’ll find it hard to find a flaw in my argument since it makes no sense at all.
My point is this. Mac (and his more evil street gang friends who operate in back streets) need to make men feel like having the newest gadget will give them the greatest advantage over their fellow competitors out there in the wild. When they are out there wrestling bears and hunting game they can search for deer recipes on Bigoven and Google maps to get home safely to the cave. I’m sure none of this is particularly surprising to you and I should probably stop before I make any more sweeping sexist statements.
However I must finish with this. Unfortunately as long as I see the iphone as an analogy for women I will always want to keep my current iPhone. I will never let her leave my side. Ever. At least until it’s a bit scratchy and I accidently drop her in the loo. I don’t want her to feel like she’s uninteresting to me. She can mature, develop her culinary taste, explore her creative side and write a bad play. She can put on 10 kilos, volunteer at the Red Cross, have three kids and shave her head and still I will say:
“Little new iPhone, you have served me well. It would be a privilege to grow old with you.”
