Dear Lacksadaisy

Dear Lacksadaisy,

Can you have swollen adrenal glands?

Exhaustedly yours,

Jackie.

Dear Jackie.

Firstly, I am not a Google search engine and no longer wish to enable your hypochondriacal addiction to medical searches. Please stop emailing me with these kinds of questions, especially the one about your brothers’ warts (that one wasn’t even about you Jackie!!).

In saying that, I am, by nature, a casually helpful person and do not wish to see anyone with adrenal fatigue go without proper help or support. Plus, I am sponsored by the adrenal gland foundation and skin pigmentation association and am contractually obliged to reply to your question.

You may have “adrenal fatigue” Jackie. I read about it in Fitness First magazine. You get tired, your adrenal glands get really fat and you possibly die from “fatarse glandus”. Please be careful not to overdo things. Life moves pretty fast, if you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. So Jackie, pour yourself a soy chai latte, kick back and watch Ferris Buller’s Day Off…and then watch the Breakfast club, because you can’t have an 80’s movie marathon without either of those two movies… and then have a nap. Wake up from the nap and then go for a 20km run, because you’re likely to feel guilty about the nap and the four hours of movies you just watched!! Our society doesn’t look kindly upon slackers Jackie.

Yours truly,

Lacksadaisy x

Lacksadaisy,

I’m too shy to approach women at the pub.

I’ve been told I’m a nice guy, a bit of a catch,

but when I go to talk to a girl I am overcome with…

Um, abdominal cramps and have to rush to the toilet.

Please help,

Alex.

Dear Alex,

I understand your pain. I once went to ask out a gentleman (He was an attractive mathematician I spied while studying at the Melbourne Library. He was tutoring a high school boy in maths.) I was overcome with such nerves that I ended up whistling my request. Of course whistling involves neither lyrics, nor words, but in my mind the conversation went something like this:

(Casual and attractive Lacksadaisy): Hi.

Him: Hey.

(Casual and attractive Lacksadaisy): You seem pretty good with numbers, here’s my phone number if you would like to play the tv game show “words and numbers” and come up the target of 985...using my phone number

Him: Oh, I have my eye on a target. …infact, I’m calling you right now with my artistic, yet practical hands.

(Casual and attractive Lacksadaisy, seductively swishes hair and laughs).

The reality was slightly different. In reality I whistled in his face while my eyes got really wide, to the point that I looked like I was shrieking. Most of the whistling was done on an inhale (inhale whistles are never the most successful whistle, it is always better to exhale your whistle). I whistled the tune of Muse’s “Unintended” (It’s not an upbeat number…in fact it’s probably a bit full on for a first encounter whistle). I also went white and sweated so much that I looked like I had just emerged fully clothed from a swim in the Yarra.

Needless to say I was not successful.

Alex, I may not have succeeded in getting that attractive God like man to go out with me, but I did succeed in life. I dried my sweat patches under the hand dryer in the library bathroom, manically took a drink of water to re-lubricate my whistle mouth and strolled out of the library with my head held high. I knew every librarian was watching me as I collected my homemade library bag. They may have been whispering about the decline in Federal and State funding to mental health and closure of Mental Hospitals… or they may have been whispering:

“Look at her go, what a gutsy and stunningly beautiful woman”. Which do you think it was Alex? Which do you think?

Grow some hairy balls Alex. Take some Imodium and remember women are like snakes. She wants to meet you as much as you want to meet her. *

*That’s not completely true, please do not approach snakes unless you’re at the zoo and the snake is in an enclosure….even then, don’t approach the snake. We all read Harry Potter #1 and know what can happen at zoos in the reptile house.

The movie in my mind.

Why does packing tape smell bad? Maybe there’s a market for scented packing tape! I’m sure the Americans have already thought of it. “Marmalade scented packing tape, give your next move the feel of a comforting English breakfast”.

Yesterday I spent the day packing all of my worldly possessions into boxes. Actually most of the time was spent staring at my room willing the objects to arrange themselves neatly into the boxes through the use of telekineses. (All of those years of watching Sabrina the teenage witch obviously did nothing for my Witching skills… other than foster my love of her boyfriend Harvey and love for chunky 90’s jewellery. I no longer love 90’s jewellery, but if Harvey Tinkle walked down the street, Phwaaaaaaaaaaaar!).

The packing required lots of little micro decisions which is always excruciatingly boring, but hardly qualifies for the kind of mood where I just want to sit and stare at the ceiling while playing Adele on a loop during that movie in mind. You know, everyone does it!! You look at your life through the film lense. Watching yourself as an actor in a brilliant, or in this case very boring film.

In the movie I’m the lacksadaisical girl packing up her life into boxes while atmospheric music (Adele) is playing. Adele would be playing because I’d have a word with the music supervisor of my movie and politely state that Adele is the most appropriate choice. She is a good mix of soulful melancholy without being too emo. The music director would relinquish.

The costume department would be a bit difficult. I’d obviously want to upgrade my current look and be way trendier and have a much bigger budget, but they would argue that I wouldn’t be being true to my character and so I’d have to wear my usual uniform of something grey, perhaps jeans, most likely straddling (unsuccessfully) that line between trendy, conservative and safe. I would relinquish and end up wearing my comfy camouflage pants and a t-shirt. At least my bottom half will be invisible when my room/ film set is set upon by the militia

I fired the script department. I know, I know, harsh!! I’m not a big fan of silent movies but I had no choice! The only dialogue they gave me all day was a couple of phone calls and a hasty trip down to my friends house to drop off some chairs. I mean really!! Where is the romance, where is the dramatic tension. There were a few tense moments when I was writing a text message, but it hardly makes for riveting cinema. Alas, I had to do a lot of acting with my eyes. The director of photography managed to capture a few stellar moments. Highlights include:

• Soulful moment when I stare off into space
• Awkward moment when I smell the packing tape
• Comic moment when I fart and wonder if my housemates are home
• Delightful, romantic, French cinema moment when I buy punnet of blueberries
• Disgraceful moment when I eat whole punnet in under one minute, like an animal.

The movie ends with a “garden state” like feel. An areal shot of me lying on my bed in a star shape, while coldplay are playing something annoying a repetitive. The camera slowly pans back, shot of boxes and then one final shot of my eyeball to make it look meaningful.

The End. It’s been nominated aside True Grit for an Oscar.

BTW you can learn telekinesis at www.2knowmyself.com ......ok.