Dear Lacksadaisy,
This Christmas is the first time I've
ever been responsible for hosting the family lunch. I've always
thought my mum was prone to hysterics around this time of year, but
as the day approaches I find myself staying awake at night thinking
about fairy lights and menus and I'm beginning to know how she feels. How do
you stay sane at Christmas?
Lilly.
Dear Lil,
I understand Christmas hysteria far
more than I understand Circulatory Precursory Physics. Probably
because there is no such thing, which is surprising, because it
sounds like it should be a thing and I think I just solved the issue
of what came before 'nothing', welcome all of Physics!
As I write this I am simultaneously
downloading and watching “Yogi Bears All Star Comedy Christmas
Caper”, “Love Actually”, “Sleepless in Seattle”, “While
you were sleeping”, “Sleeping in Love”, “Christmas Stalkers”
and “I love you in a Stalky Way”. Only two of those were made up,
but my point is that you are not alone, there's always someone
stalking you on Facebook and also Christmas has a solid tradition of
bringing out the craze.
My work life has been pretty festy of
late, we even had a “decorate your door” competition. Well I say
“competition” lightly. What I should have said was: “A
gladiatorial style “craft to the death”. CRAFT TO THE FUCKING
CHRISTMAS DEEEEEATH!!” We are performers, and thus tend to harbour an
unsubtle competitive streak. It was as if our entire workplace became a Christmas South Korea and I was Christmas North Korea. I took extra biscuits from
the communal area to stock pile and hoard because I thought if I
could starve my co-workers of calories they'll be too weak to create christmas
magic and foster any joy or hope. I purposely didn't craft my Christmas door until the very last
minute for copyright protection and I wanted my entire dressing
room to take a blood oath not to reveal the door plan. They wouldn't,
which I think reveals peoples true colours. My neighbor door-crafter
crafted a door of festive reindeer pictures, featuring characters
from the show.
 |
| This person is obviously a craft over-achiever and needed to be taken down. |
I thought: Great! Now I've got to kill a reindeer
and pin it to my door. The vegetarians will be upset, I'll be upset
and the deer will be upset. But I did it and let me tell you
reindeer blood becomes surprisingly appetising when you only get one
drink token at the christmas party. It's also highly nutritious and
iron dense, so, you're welcome everybody who partook. Anyways, the
reindeer was deemed “offensive”, so I stayed up all night
crafting paper stars instead. Pre- Christmas day I thought this was
completely rational behaviour, but now, post Christmas, I'm not sure
of anything anymore. However I am sure that early Christians would
have preferred the venison. They would be all: “We can't eat paper
stars, bring back the venison!! These are lean times and we were just
preparing for a reindeer feast!! We haven't eaten in ages!! Selfish!”
 |
| Here's a picture of inedible paper stars. I think they look quite pretty and would congratulate myself if they weren't indicative of a deeper mental problem. |
Another interesting happening was this.
In a fit of christmas hysteria at a company meeting I actually said
these words: “I'd like to recite a Christmas poem I wrote”.
Um. The fuck?!
Who said that?! It certainly wasn't me.
I'm pretty sure in a former life I must have threatened a Christmas
elf and then he died of natural causes and then on his elven death
bed he cursed me to a life of Christmas hysteria. One day I'll apply
for a loan at a bank and they'll look at my records and say: “I'm
sorry madam, but in 2013 you actually recited a Christmas poem to
your co-workers..that you wrote and I see here that it was
unprompted, to people you work with, to your co-workers....you're
obviously unstable”.
I can't take back that moment in time,
but I can drug my co-workers and send them to a Chinese neuro reprogramming
facility that I found on the internet.
I've decided that the only way to
normalise reading a poem to your co-workers at Christmas is simply to
recite a poem at every momentous occasion. New Years: I'd like to read
a poem I wrote. It's my birthday: I'd like to read a poem. Someone
gets sick: I've written a poem. So you see, eventually it becomes
normal and they'll begin to wonder why they're not constantly
reciting poems.
There's also the tricky issue of the
presents. At Christmas I tend to adopt a surprisingly Biblical attitude to buying Christmas
presents and I'm not talking about the charitable do-goodery parts, I'm talking Eye for an Eye Lilly, eye for an eye.
As Gandhi once said on my google image
search:
“An eye for an eye will make the
whole world Pirates” and that it does.
If someone buys me a present I like to
rush out like a pirate-spy and buy them a present of equal monetary
value. If I can't immediately find a present of equal monetary value
then I'll panic and buy them several small gifts to make up the sum.
For example, someone bought me a nice, fancy candle, like the ones
that you get at day spas (which are different to normal spas because
they have the “day” in the title.) so I bought them 42
litres of milk.
Someone printed out a photo of us
together and put it in a nice frame. I couldn't find a photo of us to
print, so I gave them a lock of my hair. It's fine.
Anyway, my point is, Lil, perhaps you
should lie back and embrace the shit out of Crazy-as-shit- Christmas. It seems
everyone else has, including people as wise as a three wise man/men...me.
Seriously though, Merry Christmas and
peace on earth to everyone regardless of their beliefs (or if you're
like me “disbeliefs”), whether I like you, love you or whether
you have the ability to appreciate reindeers and even those who think Global warming is a conspiracy. Peace and prosperity
especially to the reindeers, who I didn't actually slaughter since
only a little bit of this blog is ever true...the bit about Physics
is true and the Christmas poem, unfortunately, is true; but if “Love
Actually” has taught me anything it's that making an arse out of
yourself will mean you get to pash someone you fancy at Christmas, so
get to it, Love Actually Christmas movie and they wouldn't make that shit up.
x
