Dear Lacksadaisy,
To my shock I realised I have larger, droopier knees than when I was younger. Am I right to be concerned about this, or should I listen to my husband when he says he finds me very desirable and doesn’t know what I’m worried about. It’s keeping me up at night. Please help.
Yours truly,
Alice.
Oh holy hell, you have Knee-fat, or “fat-knee” to be precise. It’s a condition cause by the localised assembly of fat cells around the knee region, whereby you knee no longer looks knee-like, it now looks a bit like a cute, dimply baby’s butt. Problem is, you don’t want a baby clinging it’s little cheeks to your knee, no matter how cute. It’s both illegal and disgusting. No! Away baby, away with you!!
Fat-knee may sound like a lovely Welsh ladies name…”oh Ma-fat-nee, could ya pewer (Welsh pronunciation of pour) a little more butter- milk in the pale for the village goats, they’re starting to look a little punchy ma dear…or should I say stampy” etc etc. *(N.B), but in reality it’s just a hassle.
Reasons Fat-knee is a hassle:
- Girl gangs that look like Miranda Kerr will chase you down the street. And laugh at you because of fat-knee. (You can identify these girls because they are all really tanned, wear exactly the same short shorts and have messy sumo buns. Watch out for them. They look like they eat organic food, but really they’re souped up on slushies. The red kind).
- You can not wear skinny, slim fit or super slim fit jeans (Nor the jeans where they spray them on to you and you’re actually wearing jean coloured human skin…jeanskin). When you try them on you may shed a little tear because you get your excites on because your ankle fits in super well, but then you get to the knee…you can guess the rest.
- You don’t look as much like Miranda Kerr as you would like.
- You wonder whether maybe buying organic face cream might make you look like Miranda Kerr.
Okay, Okay, enough!! I am a woman of reason Alice and of intellect and of many other things like intellect. Women these days freak out because they don’t look like airbrushed perfection. Air-burshed perfection is as the name implies- bloody well airbrushed! It makes duffers of us all. It is time to celebrate our “Amazonian Knees”. Maybe these knees give us the power to run through the jungle and save our jungle tribe from crocodiles or a gang of spiders. Waify stick leg-lasses can’t do such things. No! It is time to present the argument for fat-knee’s!! Yes Alice, stand up upon your chub-knees and be proud!!!
Reasons to celebrate fat-knee:
- When you eventually become incontinent it will provide a successful catchment area for wee drips.
- Keeps knees warm, no need for those pesky knee warmers we all know are going to be in fashion next season.
- More surface area to cover when involved in community body art projects.
- Provides good padding for other projects involving kneeling, such as marriage proposals, gardening, being in a Broadway musical where there is a lot of kneeling in the choreography.
- It might be nice to sometimes reach your hand down to your fat-knee and it give it a comforting caress. This provides a strong sense of reassurance during stressful times, such as when you’re being bullied and chased down the street by afore mentioned local street gangs because of your fat-knee.
Well, well, well…it looks to me like there are more reasons to celebrate the supposed accursed fat-knee than reasons to whinge about them. I now have a new appreciation for my own knees thanks to my own venerable wisdom and I hope you do to Alice. By the way, until you send me a photo of your knees I can neither confirm or deny you have the condition. If you are like most women you are needlessly obsessing over a supposed imperfection. Most men don’t give a rats ear what your knees look like. Why? Men aren’t very observant, especially if you temporarily blind them by wearing reflective devices on your breasts. Now off you go.
Love Lacksadaisy.
*N.B This stereotype is very unkind to the Welsh who have a thriving cottage industry. Actually, I don’t even really know what a cottage industry is…..but I’m sure it’s less Goat oriented than I’m claiming. Probably more bikes involved. In fact replace “Goat” with Bike”….the sentence won’t make much sense, but I’m a stickler for Political correctness and I love the Welshies, especially their funny accents.
