Dear Lacksadaisy,
Last night I went to a work party and
felt invisible. There were some amazingly beautiful women there and I
just stood in the corner alone, feeling like a walrus. How do I
become more popular? I know you'll help me.
Nancy.
Dear Nancy,
Don't panic. Relax and
allow me to talk you through the easy and achievable steps to
achieving IT girl status and immense popularity. Don't let primary school teachers fool you, there is
nothing more important in life than being the most popular, or a celebrity. If possible we would all become celebrities, but then the celebrities would be the people that aren't celebrities and we'd live in an inverted world where the Bold and the Beautiful would be made up of Mathematicians chatting about Algorithms and Axioms and Maple Syrup. Oh sweet Jesus, maple syrup. (Maths is in everything Nancy).
The work party is a ruthless beast and
it can leave you feeling like a lonely fisherman made of carrot in a
sea of watermelon garnishes...
Simply follow these steps on becoming popular like a celebrity human and then "friend" me on facebook because I could use your numbers and friend list.
1. Celebrities often marry funny
looking people to make themselves look more attractive. Find a
toothless guy and take him as your date to the next work function,
stand next to him and laugh raucously at his jokes about gum disease
and the government. Maybe even pash him a little, or perhaps lightly
squeeze Toothless Barry's left buttock cheek all evening. People will
then know you are a sexual animal and find you intriguing and
magnetic.
2. Charity work. Kim Kardashian does
charity work. She did a ride along with a police car to a drug bust.
I bet she also went so far as to test the drugs. She has a strong
sense of civic duty and this is an important thing to portray to your
public. Make sure party guests know about your charity work. Maybe
you could spring a drug bust on them at the party. They will find it
hard not to be impressed.
3. Get shiny hair. Miranda Kerr has
shiny hair. Two words: fish oil. I like to keep a bag of tiny gold
fish on hand. Just before you reach the gala function, take out one
of your little goldies and rub vigorously through your hair. I like
to keep the used fish as a fetching hair clip for the function.
4. Always make an entrance. When the
Asian celebrity who I didn't know arrived at Adelaide airport, she
arrived with a cavalcade. There were 26 motorbikes, 2 hummers and a
team of guys wearing a uniform of massive pectoral muscles AND she
has sun glasses with spikes on them so that all she could see were
spikes. This taught me a valuable lesson: vision impairment is cool.
Get your own team of minders. I take my Nan because of her canny
street smarts and vision impairment, my bag of goldfish and maybe
some bit of stuff from the hotel lobby that gave me a wink-wink
because my hair is so shiny and I obviously smell of the ocean, he
can come too.
5. Learn how to smile so that your
teeth look good, your face doesn't wrinkle and your eyes are dead
inside. This is probably the most important. If you smile with a
genuine happy smile you'll look like an idiot and probably wrinkly.
No one smiles like this anymore, well maybe just people that are
photographed without their knowing and the poor people from the third
world who don't understand the serious importance of the selfie.
5. Image is everything so hire a
publicist. When they ask you what they are meant to publicise you
yell “I am a celebrity!” at them and then they'll publicise the
way you achieved your shiny hair, your dating profile and your
charity work and, obviously, millions will be enthralled and you'll
get to go on Ellen.
Ta da!!!! You're welcome...again.
