Kyle, the short man.

I am inundated and undulated daily with emails from my 6 readers asking me for advice. "Dear Lacksadaisy am I ready to get married? Sometimes I like to sit on sprinklers and my girlfriend doesn't know", "Dear Lacksadaidy, how many pairs of shoes do I own?", "Dear Lacksadaisy, how did you become so wise?" etc. I have decided to share with you my answers to some of the standout emails, just in case you too are sitting at home asking YOURSELF how many shoes you own. In the words of a communist peasant: I live to serve.

Here's a typical question (*N.B):

"Dear Lacksadaisy,

how can I get taller?"

- Kyle, Mordor

Well Kyle, I would say it's physically impossible to grow taller once you have reached your age, but since you didn't state your age I'm going to have to guess how old you are. I'm going to guess that you are 26. (I could be wrong, but I was once told by my grandma that I have a strong psychic intuition and then she told me I can watch "Who's the boss" and continued eating her bag of lolly bananas.)

Once a man reaches the age of 26 it's physically impossible to grow taller. You're of an age where your metabolism starts to slow down, your thyroid glands secret an oxyplamocin and in technical terms you hit a "physical stunt". (Not based on scientific or medical evidence) This leaves you with very few options.

Option 1. You can undergo a very lengthy (sorry for the pun) surgery which involves transplanting the legs of giraffe onto your own, similar to grafting plants together. This is often very painful and can leave you with physical and emotional scars. Emotional because you will be called such names as "Giraffe-y legs" and "animal/ human hybrid". People aren't creative but they are cruel Kyle, they are cruel.

Option 2. (this is my preferred option). You can walk like a tall man and pick fights with guys in pubs to prove your masculinity.

Option 3. You can celebrate the world in all it's diversity. You can acknowledge you are of less than average height (sure, some superficial girls only date guys over 6ft), you can laugh about your height, but realise that the true measure of a man is not how tall he is in inches, but how good looking he is and how many people he's slept with.

All the best Kyle, go get 'em little buddy.

Lacksadaisy.

*Question may have been taken from a google search of questions that I typed into Google, I cannot verify or vilify... and I have definitely not changed peoples names to protect their identity.