The break-up template and the bald monkey.

Dear Lacksadaisy,

I have to break up with this girl I’ve been dating. How do I break the news gently? Our relationship is not that bad, am I crazy to even be thinking about it?

Fred.

Dear Fred,

This one is really very simple. Take up gin rummy, learn to ski, become tri lingual, learn to make an American quilt, volunteer for St. Johns, raise bees, read every magazine about Wine in the news agency, foster a “Yes man” attitude and agree to everything from group sex to nanna racing (similar to crab racing, but it’s with nannas). Once you have completed all of these things you’ll be too distracted to think about your nice, but not awesome relationship and forget about breaking up with her. You’ll turn your tepid “relationship” into a “weddingship” and then a “childrearingship” and then settle into oblivion and probably die, we all do.

Better that than the awkward, painful, gut wrenching, heart wrenching and in some cases of IBS sufferers bowel wrenching process of confrontation. Who likes confrontation? It’s gross!!!! Not me, that’s for sure. I’d rather shave a monkey than confront one.

If the monkey asked me to shave its whole body so that it can be the only bald monkey alive (which btw looks quite similar to a human, only it’s missing opposable thumbs) I would say yes. The monkey might first be inclined to ask whether or not it would look good completely hairless and rather than be honest and say:

“Monkey, you would like pretty silly completely bald…monkey, nature intends for you to be hairy, similar to women’s armpits and bikini lines)”, I would lie and say:

“Monkey, you would rock the bald look. You would look like one of those trendy hypoallergenic cats we all know and love”.

Wow! That would be a big lie; no one likes those cats, weird little bastards.

So it’s probably best if you just sweep everything under the carpet and stay in your relationship.

I don’t care if you believe in peace in the Middle East whereas she believes in pieces of cake. I don’t care that you fight all the time, are never there for each other and you fantasise about having sexy times with that nice girl who works at your local coffee shop who never talks back, would look great in a country road jumper and would look beautiful with or without a fringe (not many people do). I don’t care that she doesn’t inspire sonnets, she doesn’t inspire you to call her once a day, she doesn’t inspire you to make her a cup of tea to bring her in bed, she doesn’t inspire you to shave for a month and doesn’t inspire you to laugh. Man up and shut up and occasionally put out. You’ll be all right... right...Right?

Maybe you should break up.

Ok, if you do decide to break up I’ve devised a couple of templates so you can do it real gently like.

TEMPLATES FOR A BREAK UP

1.

You take her out to a nice dinner, shower her with rose, maybe fly her to Paris and then say: “Baby, life’s a bitch, you look like a witch so I’ve decided to ditch…you”.”

2.

“You are a pretty remarkable person, but I don’t want to spend my life with you. I’m sorry, I must be crazy because you are beautiful, smart, funny and can make a mean carrot cake…. but you smell like rat faeces. “

No matter what you say, whether you use one of my templates for successful breakups or your own special message, just remember: life can be tough, hurtful and painful at times, but we must go through those times to enjoy the beautiful, funny times with people that inspire us. You deserve that and so does she. Good luck.