The movie in my mind.

Why does packing tape smell bad? Maybe there’s a market for scented packing tape! I’m sure the Americans have already thought of it. “Marmalade scented packing tape, give your next move the feel of a comforting English breakfast”.

Yesterday I spent the day packing all of my worldly possessions into boxes. Actually most of the time was spent staring at my room willing the objects to arrange themselves neatly into the boxes through the use of telekineses. (All of those years of watching Sabrina the teenage witch obviously did nothing for my Witching skills… other than foster my love of her boyfriend Harvey and love for chunky 90’s jewellery. I no longer love 90’s jewellery, but if Harvey Tinkle walked down the street, Phwaaaaaaaaaaaar!).

The packing required lots of little micro decisions which is always excruciatingly boring, but hardly qualifies for the kind of mood where I just want to sit and stare at the ceiling while playing Adele on a loop during that movie in mind. You know, everyone does it!! You look at your life through the film lense. Watching yourself as an actor in a brilliant, or in this case very boring film.

In the movie I’m the lacksadaisical girl packing up her life into boxes while atmospheric music (Adele) is playing. Adele would be playing because I’d have a word with the music supervisor of my movie and politely state that Adele is the most appropriate choice. She is a good mix of soulful melancholy without being too emo. The music director would relinquish.

The costume department would be a bit difficult. I’d obviously want to upgrade my current look and be way trendier and have a much bigger budget, but they would argue that I wouldn’t be being true to my character and so I’d have to wear my usual uniform of something grey, perhaps jeans, most likely straddling (unsuccessfully) that line between trendy, conservative and safe. I would relinquish and end up wearing my comfy camouflage pants and a t-shirt. At least my bottom half will be invisible when my room/ film set is set upon by the militia

I fired the script department. I know, I know, harsh!! I’m not a big fan of silent movies but I had no choice! The only dialogue they gave me all day was a couple of phone calls and a hasty trip down to my friends house to drop off some chairs. I mean really!! Where is the romance, where is the dramatic tension. There were a few tense moments when I was writing a text message, but it hardly makes for riveting cinema. Alas, I had to do a lot of acting with my eyes. The director of photography managed to capture a few stellar moments. Highlights include:

• Soulful moment when I stare off into space
• Awkward moment when I smell the packing tape
• Comic moment when I fart and wonder if my housemates are home
• Delightful, romantic, French cinema moment when I buy punnet of blueberries
• Disgraceful moment when I eat whole punnet in under one minute, like an animal.

The movie ends with a “garden state” like feel. An areal shot of me lying on my bed in a star shape, while coldplay are playing something annoying a repetitive. The camera slowly pans back, shot of boxes and then one final shot of my eyeball to make it look meaningful.

The End. It’s been nominated aside True Grit for an Oscar.

BTW you can learn telekinesis at www.2knowmyself.com ......ok.