Jealousy

Women have a nasty habit of turning jealousy into the destructive emotion of envy and then, eventually, seething, passive aggressive hate. Hate that is born on Competition Island and raised in Insecurity Village. So in an attempt to appease my jealousy monster before it turns into a demon of hate I have decided to ‘fess up, for the good of all mankind.

Dear Zoe Foster,

I’m not going to lie. I am jealous of you. I’m so jealous of you that I wish you would get pimples. You should be flattered; jealousy is the highest form of flattery. I think you hardly need to ask why. You work in the glamorous world of magazines, publishing and media. (Yes, yes, yes, we know, we know…it’s not all that glamorous…but if you ask us believe magazines aren't glamorous then you might as well ask us to believe that Camel breath is not rancid and flaxseed oil is delicious.) You have snagged and snogged Sir Hamish Blake…the cutest of all cutes… and get to flounce your hair around in Pantene commercials- who hasn’t wished to star in a Pantene commercial? Gosh!! Flounce, bounce, flounce, bounce…. awesome. (I mean that without the slightest hint of facetiousness or Gen Y irony…”Gyrony” (more on “Gyrony” in another blog)).

I’m sure your bedazzled life has not come without cost… hard work, dedication, a vision board, and a humorous and upbeat attitude to life that only comes as a result of ridicule and bullying as a child. Your upbeat loveliness could challenge the perky faces of the lululemon staff who hold yoga sessions on a Sunday morning….Sunday morning!! Do they ever drink on a Saturday night, only to wake on a Sunday morning to feel like a car has broken down in their mouth?? Or do they live in cryogenic freezers overnight, only to be thawed out each morning by the nominated lululemonite who is voted by the rest of them to have a night out on the town, cheeky bugger.

The thing is…and this is difficult for me…I read your COSMO stuff, I read the book you and your now Boy’f wrote and I read the article your wrote for the Mia Freeman Blog Mammamia.com….the one about “allwomenwantisacupoffuckingtea” (I could be paraphrasing), and you’re right. You’re right about everything! About singleton self esteem, about Pantene, about the tea, everything. So I admit defeat. If life were a competition (it is) you would win (you did). All that is left for me now is to become President of Australia and have you deported…Oh don’t worry, I won’t, fortunately for you you are likeable. My other option is to become truly fabulous myself so that people send me jealousy letters and I accumulate more jealousy letters than you. My hair is currently a little too witch/mermaid like for Pantene commercials, the closest I get to an Ad is A.D.D and I am not focused enough to write an entire book…could be the A.D.D…ooh, look a sparrow…but, what? BUT…he he he…and this is my ZING moment!!! …I have turned a few heads down Artarmon’s main street while doing “Mainies” Zoe and I have been asked out on three dates in the last 12 months by gentlemen over 65, score! I own your book so maybe I’ll re-read it, get out of my trackies and go on a date. I own my own carboard boxes and am formulating a plan to move out of my best friends spare room!! ( Not that that spare room isn’t awesome, thanks J & A ).

So watch out Miss Zoe Blake-Foster, I’m comin’ up! Yesssssssssssss

Sincerely, me.