My heroic journey into unemployment

Oh unemployment, you saucy minx, how I loath it when you come to visit; and me being the artistic variety of human, you insist on visiting with unfortunate regularity.

“Unemployment”. UN.EM. PLOY.MENT. ‘Un” is such an unfortunate addition on the word employment. Shall we just say I am ‘negatively employed’ and be truthful about it! I can’t be misemployed (to deprive someone else of employment… because obviously it is not an act you can bestow upon yourself, similar to the bowl cut. You should never, ever, give yourself a bowl cut, nor should you let others do that to you). I could be anti-employed, employment-less and possibly even reach a level of negative gearing in my optimal level of employment. Actually, as an economist friend of mine well knows, I have no idea what Negative gearing means. Actually, this friend is not even an economist; they work as a bank teller. Perhaps that is why I am unemployed. I did attempt to understand what negative gearing means. When I entered: “Unemployment” into the Negative Gearing calculator in Google it came back with the response: “You obviously have no idea what negative gearing is, no wonder you are unemployed”. Smart arse Google.

Now my unemployment journey has gone through many stages, some more alarming than others.

BRAVADO – the most enjoyable stage

This stage involves me wallowing in my lacksadaisical life, sautéing in my own free time and flashing it about to those poor mugs riding the bus to work, while I sit in my favourite coffee shop, in the sun, drinking 15 Soy Chai lattes, pretending to type on my computer. During this phase it is helpful to pretend you are a freelance journalist such as Sarah Jessica Parker in Sex and the City. Well, her character “Carrie”, not SJP herself, I don’t like her hair much. At least she doesn’t have a bowl cut.

REGRET- less enjoyable than bravado.

Regretting I didn’t use my initial unemployment for good, rather than evil. Wishing I saw my dwindling funds as an opportunity to detox rather than drink 15 soy chai lattes. Regretting I didn’t drink more water to balance out all of the soy in my body and now feeling paranoid about breast cancer, urinary tract infections and Chai disease. (I’m sure it’s a thing). Wishing I had ridden the wave of euphoria to land a slammin’ job. People love to give you a job when you don’t need it.

FEAR- least enjoyable phase

Fear that I may never work again. Fear that maybe no body likes me and that the guy at the 7/11 is beginning to notice I haven’t washed my bowl cut hair in 7 days. Who is he kidding?! He doesn’t have hair! He doesn’t know the time is takes to look glamorous and why do I need to look glamorous anyway!? Who is going to see me, eh, Rajeev? Personally I think he needs to spend a little more time topping up the Oovie machine and a little less time noticing my personal battle with personal hygiene, personally! I wish they stocked Love Actually. Stoopid Oovie, stoopid Rajeev.

RESIGNATION- the most dangerous of the phases.

This is the phase I am currently experiencing. Resigning yourself to fact you may need to accept that job that pays $16.50 an hour. At least you won’t have to wash your hair ever again. Accepting that maybe your dream of becoming Princess Jasmine from Aladdin may be a pipe dream after all. Wondering how long you could live off muslie if you needed to and you also find yourself wondering about the practicalities of organ donation if you suffer an asthma attack and wild poodles eat you for breakfast.

Yes, readers, it is a hard road. A hard road indeed. Maybe I could be “missemployed”, because I’m pretty sure I AM meant to be Princess Jasmine.